Monday, June 12, 2006

My new favorite GOB

So, I was at the mall (the Cielo Vista Mall in El Paso, TX, that is) and I saw the job I want to have when I retire. Jen can vouch for this.

No sooner had we walked in, than we saw two (yes, two) uniformed security guards moving forward in some kind of bizarre formations... on Segways. For those of you who don't watch Arrested Development, you should just go to the corner and do the Running Man until you're good and sorry. And then go to this web page:

So these guys beg these questions:

1. How fat/lazy/crippled/retarded do you have to be to need to use a Segway Human Transport System to get around the mall?
2. What do you do if someone, I don't know, starts running?
3. What do you do if someone goes upstairs?

But because I have been trained to provide solutions to problems, here's what I recommend:
1. Lose some weight. If this is not an option, or if you have some kind of thyroid issue, then...
2. Install some kind of turbo. How sweet would you be if you could hit like 50-60 mph on a Segway?
3. Also, install a jetpack. This would go a long way toward that flying car concept we were all promised we'd have by the year 2000 (see the Jetsons)

Then, of course, there's the combat application. Paint it camo, add a machine gun and a grenade launcher, and you'd have the ultimate weapon. Put a couple of midgets on there, and you'd be the scariest army in the world.

That's just what I think, though

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Just to recap

OK, Jen's been gone for four days. Here's the recap:

day one: Soccer game, wallowing in filth, no sleep. See post below. Lunch: tuna Lunchable. Dinner: hot dogs (microwaved, eaten on white bread), ice cream for dessert. Bedtime: 1:45 am.

day two: worked late, came home, fell asleep in uniform on the floor while watching Spin City. Woke up approx 7:30 pm. Rented "The Longest Yard" remake with Adam Sandler. It's actually really funny. Dinner: steaks and salad. Bedtime: 12:30 am

day three: left work at about 5:00, went home. Fell asleep on the floor watching Spin City. Woke up approx 8:00 pm. Watched House, Criminal Minds, CSI. Dinner: Golden Grahams and a Coke. Bedtime: 1145 due to early basketball game.

day four (ongoing): Teleconference with Korea at 5:30 pm, will arrive home approx 7:45. Woke up to go to the game, but the dogs escaped. Spent 2.5 hours looking for the little sons of guns throughout the neighborhood. Missed the game. Boss is angry with me. Lunch: sandwich at applebee's. Dinner: to be determined (probably popcorn or chips and salsa).

This is how pathetic I am. Please help.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I am useless

I'm a wreck.

Jen went out of town today. This means that I am on my own, left to fend for myself in the bewildering world of cooking and paying bills, doing my own laundry, getting a decent night's sleep, and basically taking care of my personal hygeine.

Not to say that I am some kind of chauvinist. I realize that Jen (who does these things because she is a wonderful person) is not bound by some kind of traditional gender role into doing all of these things. I am just saying that, left on my own, I am a complete mess.

Just a little illustration here- last night (night one) I had a soccer game. It went til 9:30 pm, after which I went home. A normal, functional adult would go home, drink some water, take a shower, and go to bed in order to get up at 5:30 am and go to work. Notice I stipulated a normal, functional adult. What did I do? I naturally stayed up until about 12:45 watching CSI reruns and wallowing in my filth. Then I took a shower (give me some credit) and went to bed. I couldn't sleep, though, so I read until about 1:45 am when I finally crashed. This is not good. Today I am a complete mess and have had to resort to Monster Energy Drinks to keep myself awake and functioning at minimum capacity.

The ONLY good thing about this is that if I have to work late, I don't feel like I'm missing out on family time. But that is small consolation for being a social retard when I'm on my own.

And the thing about it is, I don't know how this happened to me. I am a guy who has gone to live on his own before, deployed to various corners of the world, runs a staff section and is responsible for all of the automations and communications needs of a battalion of 650 personnel. I am not without skills. I just completely fall apart without my wife.

Pathetic, huh?

Friday, May 05, 2006

It's About Time

Yeah, so I have this blog that I haven't touched since January? December? Whatever. I had a thing.

What's new with me, you may ask? Well, let me tell you... not a lot. I've got a new ten pounds on me, and a new appreciation for a full night's sleep. Oh, and I play soccer now (that's "football" if you're a pretentious fop).

Here's something... I was contacted by a relative of mine that I have not spoken to in literally 25 years. I cannot use this person's name or anything because they don't want other members of the family finding out about them, but it sure did come out of the blue for me. I have now picked up an e-relationship with this person and we are catching up. It's weird. But really cool. Families are forever.

Continuing on with stream-of-conciousness, it's midnight and there are still people playing ORGANIZED SOFTBALL at the field behind our house. Midnight. On Thursday. COME ON!! Because naturally this means that the park lights have to be on and that means that it is like daylight in our bedroom because the light shines in the bathroom window. What is really going on?

And to finish up randomly, I have a list. Top five metal songs that when you hear the first eight bars, it is instantly recognizable and you physically cannot stop yourself from making the devil fingers and bobbing your head:

5. Thunderstruck, by AC/DC
4. Ironman, by Black Sabbath
3. Hell's Bells, also by AC/DC
2. Dead or Alive, by Bon Jovi (that's for Jen)
1. Welcome to the Jungle, by GNR

We could go on like this all day. Give me your list of songs. Include pwer ballads if you would. I'm trying to win an argument with a buddy.