Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My Hero

This blog is basically an homage to my wife. She's totally my hero. Let me illustrate:

She's a hottie, and she's a great cook. This hasn't changed since we were 18, other than her cooking skill has improved. She married me when she totally shouldn't have, setting herself up for at least two years of "we're way too young for this." Then, she stayed with me even though I joined the Army. This is significant because she had broken up with a guy before that who was going into the Naval Academy, thinking that she didn't want to be with a military man. While I was in the Army, she moved with me to Monterey, CA, causing her to have to take a year off from school and when she got back to school, they had gotten rid of her program, which she really loved. She's been by herself almost half of the marriage because of my job, and still likes me. She gave up a job that she liked, great neighbors (nayvors), a nice house, and the intermountain west to come to El Piss-o and not be able to find a job. And most recently, even though it drives her insane to be in the house all the time, she stays at home to take care of Gigi.

Those are just some of the reasons. I know I totally married up- she's more educated, smarter, more spiritual, and a better parent than I am. I really don't know what I bring to the relationship other than astoundingly good looks and a mediocre income. I'm lazy, I don't really like to pick up after myself, and I'm really not interested in doing much other than watching TV at night and playing with the baby. Yeah, I'm a catch. And through it all, she stays with me, and was even suckered into marrying me in the Temple, sealing her to me for eternity. Boy, did she get gypped.

I know that she works harder than I do, because I can go to work and have time to do things like post blogs (yes, your tax dollars paid for this. You own an infinitessimally small part of this blog- probably the "s" in "small") while she has to be "on" all the time for Gigi. Plus, work for me is fun (most of the time) and I get to see some of my friends. Meanwhile, she's at home. I know this, and I want to publically say that I appreciate it.

So basically, Jen is the coolest. That's what I'm trying to say. I love her, and I appreciate her, and she's my hero. Maybe I ought to tell her this more when I'm at home, instead of saving it for a public forum like the Internet. I don't know. But at least it's out there now, and everyone knows it.


Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Summer Movie Mayhem

Ok. I haven't seen a lot of movies recently because of the whole baby thing, and so I thought it would be a real treat for me to go with the guys to see a movie this past Friday while Jen was having some sort of girly party (pillow fights? lingerie? No man knows.)

So we went to see Transporter 2. Now, I really enjoyed the first one, as implausible as it was. It was just believable enough to make it cool. I mean, someone really did drive the car, and there was a lot of butt-kicking action. So I thought that the second one would be more of the same.

Here's the thing. I am an easy movie audience. I can suspend my disbelief to lengths that really frustrate Jen. Wild driving? Check. Crazy acrobatic Kung-Fu stylings? Got it. Dragons and magic and physics-defying antics? No problem. Really, about the one thing that really gets to me is when there is some kind of realism in the plot, to where we're made to think that this is the "real" world, and then someone pops up with a magically never-ending magazine of 9-millimeter bullets, which then someone proceeds to dodge. Yeah. I'm a nerd, but ballistics is where I draw the line.

So in the interests of full disclosure, I will list my five least believable moments in Transporter 2.

1. OK, so there's a bomb on the bottom of Jason Statham's really really really cool Audi. He happens to see it in a reflection in the puddle over which the car is parked. So far, so good. So the evil villains let him go, thinking to get some distance between themselves and the bomb. Well, Jason knows, so he drives all-out onto the beach, finds a convenient ramp, and guns it. You guessed it, turbo-boost up the ramp, which turns the car over in midair. He then catches the bomb on the convenient hook of a crane that is just right there, the car continues its roll, and he lands perfectly without destroying his axles or exploding his tires as the bomb, hooked onto the crane, explodes.

2. All right, so this crazy psycho chick wearing a lab coat and some skank lingerie who has the body of a 7-year old boy unleashes with two TAC-9 submachine guns. She has two 30-round magazines. In my elementary school, we learned that 30+30=60, not 360. Nevertheless, she never reloads. Argh.

3. In an attempt to get the antidote, Jason Statham dives out of a third-story window.... onto a taxi. Then gets up and runs away. I am kind of an expert in falling down, and there's NO WAY.

4. While trying to get at the Russian scientist (yeah, it's a cliche. Haven't you seen the pattern yet?) J.S. is running down a fire escape. He's being shot at, and dodges the bullets. Now, you're saying "Neo dodges bullets, and Jason Statham is like 900% cooler than Keanu Reeves." Yes, but here's the thing: they explain it away in the Matrix by saying we're all basically meat batteries for a computer, whereas the Transporter exists in the "Real" world of Miami. Remember what I said about suspending disbelief? There you go.

5. In the drug dealer's mansion, J.S. and crazy psycho 7-year-old-boy lady are having a fight. Well, Jason's sort of standing there, while the girl is swinging from Mardi Gras beads and trying to hit him. I have seen MANY kung-fu movies, and that was the suckiest scene that ever sucked. It was terrible, and very anti-climactic.

Those are 5. There are more, but I'm too depressed that I paid eight dollars to see that crap. It's entertaining, but either rent it or see it at the dollar movies. If you're going to do it in El Paso, though, make sure that the pimply-faced teen usher Gestapo don't see you with your own smuggled-in treats, or they'll make you give them up in an embarrassing scene right in the middle of the movie.... so I've been told.

OK, now you. What are your least believable movie scenes? Remember, it has to be set in the "real" world. I know broomsticks don't fly. However, if you can explain it away using the rules of the "imaginary" world the movie is set in, then go ahead.