Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Summer Movie Mayhem

Ok. I haven't seen a lot of movies recently because of the whole baby thing, and so I thought it would be a real treat for me to go with the guys to see a movie this past Friday while Jen was having some sort of girly party (pillow fights? lingerie? No man knows.)

So we went to see Transporter 2. Now, I really enjoyed the first one, as implausible as it was. It was just believable enough to make it cool. I mean, someone really did drive the car, and there was a lot of butt-kicking action. So I thought that the second one would be more of the same.

Here's the thing. I am an easy movie audience. I can suspend my disbelief to lengths that really frustrate Jen. Wild driving? Check. Crazy acrobatic Kung-Fu stylings? Got it. Dragons and magic and physics-defying antics? No problem. Really, about the one thing that really gets to me is when there is some kind of realism in the plot, to where we're made to think that this is the "real" world, and then someone pops up with a magically never-ending magazine of 9-millimeter bullets, which then someone proceeds to dodge. Yeah. I'm a nerd, but ballistics is where I draw the line.

So in the interests of full disclosure, I will list my five least believable moments in Transporter 2.

1. OK, so there's a bomb on the bottom of Jason Statham's really really really cool Audi. He happens to see it in a reflection in the puddle over which the car is parked. So far, so good. So the evil villains let him go, thinking to get some distance between themselves and the bomb. Well, Jason knows, so he drives all-out onto the beach, finds a convenient ramp, and guns it. You guessed it, turbo-boost up the ramp, which turns the car over in midair. He then catches the bomb on the convenient hook of a crane that is just right there, the car continues its roll, and he lands perfectly without destroying his axles or exploding his tires as the bomb, hooked onto the crane, explodes.

2. All right, so this crazy psycho chick wearing a lab coat and some skank lingerie who has the body of a 7-year old boy unleashes with two TAC-9 submachine guns. She has two 30-round magazines. In my elementary school, we learned that 30+30=60, not 360. Nevertheless, she never reloads. Argh.

3. In an attempt to get the antidote, Jason Statham dives out of a third-story window.... onto a taxi. Then gets up and runs away. I am kind of an expert in falling down, and there's NO WAY.

4. While trying to get at the Russian scientist (yeah, it's a cliche. Haven't you seen the pattern yet?) J.S. is running down a fire escape. He's being shot at, and dodges the bullets. Now, you're saying "Neo dodges bullets, and Jason Statham is like 900% cooler than Keanu Reeves." Yes, but here's the thing: they explain it away in the Matrix by saying we're all basically meat batteries for a computer, whereas the Transporter exists in the "Real" world of Miami. Remember what I said about suspending disbelief? There you go.

5. In the drug dealer's mansion, J.S. and crazy psycho 7-year-old-boy lady are having a fight. Well, Jason's sort of standing there, while the girl is swinging from Mardi Gras beads and trying to hit him. I have seen MANY kung-fu movies, and that was the suckiest scene that ever sucked. It was terrible, and very anti-climactic.

Those are 5. There are more, but I'm too depressed that I paid eight dollars to see that crap. It's entertaining, but either rent it or see it at the dollar movies. If you're going to do it in El Paso, though, make sure that the pimply-faced teen usher Gestapo don't see you with your own smuggled-in treats, or they'll make you give them up in an embarrassing scene right in the middle of the movie.... so I've been told.

OK, now you. What are your least believable movie scenes? Remember, it has to be set in the "real" world. I know broomsticks don't fly. However, if you can explain it away using the rules of the "imaginary" world the movie is set in, then go ahead.


~j. said...

Does Star Wars take place in The Real World? Because D & I saw Episode 3 last Friday, and the part I couldn't get over was when Mean-guy Meany-face was almost being killed by Samuel-L, and he (Mean) started chanting, "EH! EH! EH! EH! EEEHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Remember that? I was thinking, "Um, seriously?" And then someone in the audience laughed. And the rest of the entire series was ruined for me. I hope they make a fourth one...

I'll think of some others.

La Yen said...

It bugs me when the Wiggles try to convince us that they are A-sexual. Sorry, that's as close as I can get...Maybe you should take me on a date.

~j. said...

SpongeBob and Patrick CAN'T SWIM.

~j. said...

What's that movie with the Mini-Coopers? I don't buy that one.

christopher clark said...

Saturday's Warrior, the movie. The mom has a baby in about 30 seconds, on the couch, and doesn't take off her nylons. I've seen four babies born now, and I DON'T BUY IT.

I loved that mini-cooper movie, though. But it was pretty silly.

waldo said...

Yeah, the Italian Job. It's a fun movie, and like I said, I am willing to believe any number of crazy driving stunts, but it was a little much.

Also, are there really that many good-looking people that associate together?

Welcome, Topher.

La Yen said...

I have had trouble with the birthing scene in Saturday's Warriors (along with all of the other scenes), and I have come to the conclusion that she has no nylons on--her legs are just that white.

~j. said...

Waldo, do you mean the good-looking people that associate together on your blog?

~j. said...

I thought of another one. 50 First Dates. They worked SO HARD to make it feasible. But, no thanks. Not in this lifetime.

La Yen said...

After watching "Bones" the other night, I have to say that it loses me when the people keep referring to Afghanis as Arabs, and said Afghan-rabs have accents that sound like they are from Connecticut by way of China.