Monday, June 12, 2006

My new favorite GOB

So, I was at the mall (the Cielo Vista Mall in El Paso, TX, that is) and I saw the job I want to have when I retire. Jen can vouch for this.

No sooner had we walked in, than we saw two (yes, two) uniformed security guards moving forward in some kind of bizarre formations... on Segways. For those of you who don't watch Arrested Development, you should just go to the corner and do the Running Man until you're good and sorry. And then go to this web page:

So these guys beg these questions:

1. How fat/lazy/crippled/retarded do you have to be to need to use a Segway Human Transport System to get around the mall?
2. What do you do if someone, I don't know, starts running?
3. What do you do if someone goes upstairs?

But because I have been trained to provide solutions to problems, here's what I recommend:
1. Lose some weight. If this is not an option, or if you have some kind of thyroid issue, then...
2. Install some kind of turbo. How sweet would you be if you could hit like 50-60 mph on a Segway?
3. Also, install a jetpack. This would go a long way toward that flying car concept we were all promised we'd have by the year 2000 (see the Jetsons)

Then, of course, there's the combat application. Paint it camo, add a machine gun and a grenade launcher, and you'd have the ultimate weapon. Put a couple of midgets on there, and you'd be the scariest army in the world.

That's just what I think, though